they don't hear the little ones crying and the winter is coming on fast ready to kill. one day nearer to dying.

The days grow shorter and the winds grow colder. The people move sluggishly in their over sized coats fearing the cold that cuts and bites. But I wonder if they realize the joy of being chilled. The joy of being able to stand outside to watch the lovely grey sky contrast with the dark green of the trees. Everything lately is a shade of grey, it's really marvelous. Why do the people around me grow so sloth-like? Can't they see how truly beautiful nature is?

Death is just as beautiful, peaceful as the greys of the nipping biting cold of outdoors. I thank the heavens that he's finally at peace finally out of the pain. It's really fitting that it's happened in this month of October. The month everything starts to die off and change colors. Everything's changing it's the month of change. We change, just as the trees lose their leaves but how many of us change for the better? How many of us change for the worse?

Must go take the daughter to court then take my test.

At the end of the day there's another day dawning.

I fear that I'm braking slowly. Regardless I will do my best to stay whole, sometimes everything compounds upon a body and when something goes wrong in my life everything else falls with the first one. One after another, one after another crashing and smashing and breaking. It's almost beautiful the music it makes.

For those of you who care this is how my past few months have gone:
-helped set up a camp out event because everyone ditched my friend who were suppose to help
-camp out went horribly
-got a second job
-got 'laid off' from first job for "looking like you in pain"
-lost the potential thing I had with a friend
-got more hours at my job at the pizzaria
-my Grampy, Mama's dad, died after a heartbreaking battle over the past year with cancer and a tumor pushing on his carotid artery
-been a mother to an 18 year old who I love but it's stressful

So I'm 19 am looking for a new second job, working full time, going to school full time and trying to get my baby girl completely self-sufficient. I want to be there to help my family but I don't have the money and I can't take off from school or work. At least I'm sleeping at home lately for a period of about 3 weeks I slept on a friends couch. It's been stressful.

And I don't think that I can be fixed. No I don't think that I can be fixed.

So obvious to all, I'm never on!!!!!! I'm going to try to start checking at least once a week again. I've just been super busy with work work moving work and settling my baby girl into town oh and work. On the plus side I did go to sturgis this year epic epic and amazing it was. That was the highlight of my summer if not my whole year. Sooooooo I will be trying to get on more often and post things like art and stuff. I feel like creating something, I've got a new shirt to play with so I might work on that tonight and fix my saloon costume before Halloween.



It's raining the smell of cloves and the rain mix marvelously. Hope everyone is doing well please feel free to leave messages, I'm sorry if I don't get back to you quickly school starts tuesday and I work four days and two doubles a week.

I'm sitting here listening to Manson. I've been doing nothing but work and school. And I'm done with school it sucks too much. Life sucks but hell that's my own fault. On the plus side I bought some Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson and some Nirvana.

Yes I actually have an update on my life, it's scary isn't it? This is going to get ranty so you might just want to ignore this for those of you who read my journals.

So last wednesday, the last wednesday of Febuary the 25th I started my job as a waitress. I have never been a waitress before in my life, so this is a little new for me. I'm trying to figure things out and be as efficient as possible. And last week went pretty well considering it was my first week. This week is something else, this week is full of assholes and me wanting to kill people. Tuesday and Wednesday were fine, I met the other new girl who trained just this past Monday and I like her quite a bit. Friday lunch on the other hand was full of headache, I get this group of 8 people, four had bento boxes and at least 6 had sushi, plus I had two other tables in the actual sushi bar area each with 3 people. so that's at least 12 orders of sushi that's not even counting if they had more than one roll. We have one sushi chef. So the last person of this party of 8 to get their food comes up to me and says that he's not going to eat because he's not going to rush through his food after his friends have finished and he doesn't want to take the sushi with him, so to cancel his bill because he had been there "over 45 minutes" when it hadn't been quite 30, and just after he tells my manager and I off his rolls are done. So my Manager offers to give him the sushi in a box for free and he can take it with. I go in to ask him and he tells me No he doesn't want to take it with him. And as his party is leaving, after I had problems with getting the bills put together correctly. 8 people and only the guy who told off my manager and I gave me a tip. So we close after lunch is over and I find out I don't have to be into work until 5 for hosting for supper instead of serving for supper. The kimono's are stained, the one I got had a very large hole melted into the sleeve, because they are polyester, and it smells like a nerd at a con. This causes my eczema to flair up pretty bad. Other than that not too bad. I go home vacuum and sweep before my friend shows up then I can't figure out what's going on with my Japanese girls. Finally get things figured out go get drinks and come back my co-worker is here and so is my friend. So that went well enough, fell asleep around 3 or 4 got woken up at 7 or 7:30. Then feed the girls potato salad that I made the night before and then we go back to the University so they can shower and get ready for a trip. I come back home and sleep until like 10:30 or 11 when I wake up to my cousin's girlfriend and her sister at my door. I'm dragged shopping mildly amusing, got a used Ruby Gloom shirt, then had cheese pizza which I patted off with like 2 or 3 napkins and still got a stomach ache from it. Go home play .hack//infection long enough to finish the next story line point talk to my honey then go to work. Ok so outside of not enough sleep doing pretty good. I clock in at almost 3:30, on time, then at about 10 minutes to 5, my boss tells me I'm to be host and sushi this evening not server, which means less money in tips tonight for me. I have to wear the damn kimono piece of shit from the night before, I'm currently sporting a half red hilter-stache and a big patch on my arm of eczema break outs. The sleeves get in the way of everything it's really really warm and it kept trying to fall off of my chest, exposing my cute little Ruby Gloom tee-shirt. We were ok until about 6:00, then we had like fifty reservations from then until the 7:00 reservations. One man gets in our face complaining to us about not being seated yet when he has reservations. I calmly explain to him that we had to seat the parties of 7 who were reserved at the same time first because they were at the same time as his reservation and they were first, and that we did put a party of 2 with them because our tables seat 9 and we have to have fill the tables. He wouldn't listen to me. The second group a group of like 11 or 13 people who had reservations accepted my explanation when I did explain to them what was going on with the tables, which is good. So then I finally leave go to the cafe I like and hang out 11:00 comes around and we have to leave because they are closing, and so I stand out in the rain with a few guys, quite happily actually because I love the rain. But then my phone gets water in it so I can't use the damn thing I need to get it open but I can't get a screwdriver small enough to undo the screws because my flute screwdriver seems to be missing. So I'll have a larger phone bill because I called my boyfriend, because well AIM was freaking out, and my cellphone is messed up.

A long couple of days I need to shower to get this nasty kimono smell off of me.